I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I AM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Naresh, it is impossible. It is impossible to say that "I am not" -- because even to say that
you have to be. One of the great philosophers of the West, the modern father of
philosophy in the West, was Descartes. His whole life was an inquiry for something
indubitable, which cannot be doubted. He wanted a foundation, and a foundation which
cannot be doubted; only then the right edifice can be built upon it. He searched, very
sincerely he searched.
God can be doubted, the other life can be doubted, even the existence of the other can be
doubted. I am here, you can see me; but who knows, you may be dreaming, because in
dream also you see the other, and in dream the other seems as real as in the so-called real
life. You never doubt in your dream. In fact, in the real life you may doubt sometimes,
but in the dream it is indubitable.
Chuang Tzu is reported to have said, "My greatest problem is one which I am unable to
solve. The problem is that one night I dreamed that I am a butterfly. Since that night I am
confused."
A friend asked, "What is your confusion? Everybody dreams, there is nothing special
about it. Why be so worried about it, that you are a butterfly in a dream? So what?"
He said, "Since that day I am puzzled, I cannot decide who I am. If Chuang Tzu can
become a butterfly in the dream, who knows -- when the butterfly goes to sleep, she may
dream that she is Chuang Tzu. Then am I really Chuang Tzu or just a butterfly dreaming?
If this is possible, that Chuang Tzu can become a butterfly, then that too is possible. A
butterfly resting in the afternoon sun underneath the shadow of a tree may be dreaming
that she has become a Chuang Tzu. Now who am I? -- a butterfly dreaming, or Chuang
Tzu dreaming?"
It is difficult. Even to decide the other is, is difficult, very difficult.
Descartes searched long. Then he stumbled upon only one fact, and that fact is "I am."
That cannot be doubted, that's impossible, because even to say, "I am not," you are
required.
Wife: "I think I hear burglars. Are you awake?"
Husband: "No!"
Now, if you are not awake, how can you say "No"? That "No" presupposes that you are
awake.
You ask me: "I cannot believe that I am."
It is not a question of belief; you ARE. Who is this who cannot believe? Who is this who
is full of doubt? Can doubt exist without a doubter? Can dream exist without a dreamer?
If the dream is there, one thing is absolutely certain: the dreamer is there. If the doubt is
there, then one thing is absolutely certain: the doubter is there.
This is the foundation of all religions: "I am." It need not be believed -- there is no
question of belief, it is a simple fact. Close your eyes and try to deny it. You cannot deny
it, because in the very denial you will be proving it.
But this age is the age of doubt. And remember, any age that is the age of doubt is a great
age. When great doubts arise in the human heart, great things are bound to happen. When
great doubts arise, great challenges arise.
Now this is the greatest challenge for you, Naresh -- to go deeper into this doubter who
doubts even the existence of his own being. Go into this doubt, go into this doubter. Let
this become your meditation, and reaching deeper into it you will see that this is the only
indubitable fact in existence, the only truth which cannot be doubted.
And once you have felt it, trust arises.
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